NirVani -A Tale of Nir and Vani
I was taking a respite from my demanding schedule, embarking on a journey from Kathmandu to Pokhara, seeking a tranquil escape to relax and recharge. As the bus rumbled along the winding roads, I found myself seated beside a man named Nir. His presence exuded an aura of quietude, yet his eyes bore a weight of hidden pain, concealed behind a faint but persistent smile.
Over the years, I had cultivated the ability to discern the unspoken thoughts and emotions of others, and it seemed that Nir had rarely encountered a receptive listener. Many had remarked that I possessed the gift of being a keen and empathetic listener. Our conversation meandered through various topics during our voyage toward Pokhara, including our respective professions. However, it became increasingly apparent that Nir carried a burden of untold stories and emotions within him, ones he had yet to share with anyone
With a gentle tone and a sense of empathy, I broached the subject, expressing my intuition that he harbored unspoken sentiments. After all, this encounter was a fleeting one, and the likelihood of our paths crossing again in this lifetime was uncertain. Initially, Nir appeared somewhat uncomfortable with my inquiry, but as the bus came to a pause for an oil refill, he gradually allowed, choosing that moment to unburden his heart.
He recounted how their initial meeting had taken place during their school days and then proceeded to divulge every intricate detail of their journey together.
"Wait, wait, I'm coming," a dulcet voice, honeyed and soothing, beckoned from behind. I turned and beheld a vision of beauty, a captivating girl with a smile that could enter even the coldest heart. Her alluring features held me in a mesmerizing trance, and I found myself gazing upon her for an eternity in just a few moments. A solitary mole adorned her right cheek, an enchanting detail that drew me in like a moth to a flame.
Never before had I encountered eyes with such profound depths. It was as if she harbored a multitude of secrets, some perhaps veiled in darkness, buried deep within her. Her gaze spoke volumes, hinting at untold mysteries waiting to be unraveled.
Her arrival in my life marked a profound shift, eclipsing all other aspirations. Her presence became my world. Our eyes had met in fleeting moments, but words remained elusive between us. Her absence cast a shadow over my days. It was an age of innocence, where emotions burned fiercely. My feelings for her remained a well-guarded secret, hidden deep within my heart.
Then, one day, she broke the silence with a simple "Hello." Happiness surged within me, and I greeted her warmly. After a pause, I summoned the courage to inquire about her name. However, she asked for my name, and I replied, "Nir Katwal, Sec E." Her laughter filled the air as she found my name unique. I explained its Sanskrit meaning as “Without”, and she was intrigued.
She introduced herself as Vani Karki, Sec H. Laughter flowed freely between us. At that moment, an unspoken connection was forged. We were both aware of it. For teenagers of fourteen to fifteen, such moments held a profound significance. She suggested we part ways for now, with the promise of future meetings.
As we went our separate ways, the anticipation of future encounters hung in the air, and the bond between us continued to deepen, nurtured by the magic of that first conversation that day. Our connection remained strong, even though our conversations remained sparse. The depth of our feelings grew with each passing day. We both sensed the gravity and seriousness of what lay between us. It was a constant battle within me, the desire to express my love warring with the fear of rejection and the potential loss of our friendship. So, I kept my emotions locked away, hidden from the world.
In the midst of our conversations, she playfully teased me, trying to uncover my feelings indirectly. She'd say, "Nir means 'Without,' and Vani means 'Expressive,' so together, they become 'Without Expressive.' Or perhaps, it means 'Without Vani.'" It might have been a casual remark, but it struck a chord deep within me. My life without Vani was unimaginable, and it seemed she felt the same way. Our love didn't need words; it thrived in our silence.
As time passed, our love only deepened. We shared countless moments together, and we even enrolled in the same university. At one point, thoughts of marriage crossed our minds. We cherished each particular event, capturing those moments as souvenirs of our love.
However, the path to a lifelong union is fraught with challenges, including the approval of families and other considerations. In our case, caste was never an issue, but other factors conspired against us. She made a painful decision without discussing it with me. After we graduated, her family found a prospective groom for her, and she chose to follow their wishes without informing me. I was no ordinary lover, a graduate with dreams and aspirations beyond mere romance.
The pain and heartbreak I experienced after learning about her decisions left me shattered and inconsolable. She had made choices that profoundly affected our lives without even a word of explanation. I grappled with the understanding that she had been under immense pressure, and her family had faced their share of difficulties. Life was undoubtedly different for her, and I wished her nothing but the best in everything she pursued. In my heart, there was a burning desire to marry her, to be by her side because I believed that no one could care for and love her as deeply as I did. My world had irrevocably changed, and I carried the heavy weight of heartache deep within me. The question that haunted my thoughts day and night was why she hadn't confided in me, why she had chosen not to share her struggles. We had been through various stages of a relationship, but she had never found it within herself to confide in me. The turmoil of emotions within me gave rise to countless unspoken questions, and I wept for days. It was a stark reminder that men, too, are not immune to the pain of heartbreak; we, too, shed tears.
Nothing in my life remained the same after that moment. Her seemingly immature decision profoundly impacted the lives of three individuals: herself, me, and her husband. She couldn't be mine, yet she couldn't wholly belong to him either. While I wished for her happiness above all else, I couldn't help but lament that she never indeed recognized the love that resided in my eyes throughout our time together. I questioned my worth as a lover, berating myself for not being able to make her see what we had. The months passed, and it took me more than three agonizing months to accept that she was no longer a part of my life. I had loved her with all my heart, and the void she left behind was immeasurable. Then, five months later, fate brought an unexpected encounter. I saw her in a shopping mall, accompanied by her husband. He appeared somewhat older, with thinning hair and a nearly balding scalp. I couldn't help but remember when I had been with her, and she had remarked that she would never marry a bald man, urging me to take care of my hair.
Upon seeing them, my overwhelming emotion was not anger but rather sadness. I couldn't help but wonder what she hoped to achieve with a life marked by compromises and the exchange of emotions with someone she could never truly love. I firmly believed that love had the power to grow exponentially, and it only took one particular moment to plant the seed of love that could last a lifetime.
The moment I laid eyes on her again, it was as if time had rewound to our first encounter. Her husband, engrossed in a phone call, had wandered into a men's clothing store. I couldn't contain my emotions and asked her how she was, if everything in her life was going well. She responded with a simple nod, tears glistening in both our eyes. The weight of unspoken words hung heavy between us, and I couldn't help but express my regret that she had never confided in me before making those life-altering decisions. I assured her that I would have moved mountains to be with her, to keep her by my side. She offered a heartfelt apology, explaining that at that point in time, she couldn't bring herself to go against her family's wishes. She emphasized that her life had been turned upside down too.
In a poignant moment, she reminded me of our names, NirVani, and how it meant "without Vani." She professed her enduring love for me, saying, "I love you, Vani, until Nir lives." She urged me to think about moving forward and settling down. Her voice cracked as she confessed that even now, her heart longed to abandon everything and run away with me. However, societal norms and the need for respect had kept her bound. Tears welled up in my eyes as I asked her how she could forget me and make such a life-altering decision. I wondered what would become of my life now. After a pause, I admitted that I couldn't find happiness anymore; I would simply exist. I couldn't bring myself to say that she was the reason, as my love for her had always been wholehearted. I yearned for her to be with me in every life to come, and I questioned if she would love me in our next reincarnation.
she implored me to move on and start a new life by getting married. I knew I had to leave the country soon, and I wished for her to find lifelong happiness. In that moment, her husband returned, and without a word, I turned and left, vowing never to show my face to her again.
Nir's heartfelt confession weighed heavily on my heart, and I couldn't help but feel a profound sadness for him. He wiped away his tears and lamented how different our lives might have been if she had chosen him. Despite achieving academic success with a PhD and a successful career, he confessed to carrying a persistent void within him. The fear of doing injustice to someone by marrying without his heart being fully committed left him in a state of uncertainty. It was evident that his love for her still held a deep place in his heart.
Listening to Nir's story left me deeply moved and saddened by the twists and turns that love and life can take. It was a stark reminder that some love stories, despite deserving a better outcome, end up in painful situations. As we approached our destination, Pokhara, a somber silence enveloped us. With a heavy heart, I told Nir that life had its way of unfolding, even when it seemed unjust. Nir managed a smile, and after a couple of minutes, our journey came to an end.
Expressing his gratitude, Nir acknowledged that I had been a good listener, and it seemed to provide him with some solace. He bid me farewell, saying, "You are a good listener, brother. I feel much lighter now. Thank you so much." I asked for his contact details, but he simply stated that he would be available at Lakeside whenever he will be in Nepal and left without providing any means of contact.
As we parted ways, the bittersweet reality of love's complexities lingered in the air, a poignant reminder of how love, despite its depth and intensity, could lead us down paths we never expected.